For this week's assignment, I am discussing a conflict or disagreement that I have been having with my parents and I am completely at a loss. My mother sadly cannot get around without a cane for assistance at all times and her health just seems to be getting worse. My dad still travels for weeks at a time and worries about her constantly. She has taken a few falls and not been able to get up while no one has been around. I call her weekly and when my dad is away, I call everyday to make sure she is ok and at times have had to travel to the city where she lives because she did not answer the phone and we are worried about her. We want to build an addition on our home so they can move here with us but with their own privacy of course. With a family of 6, it is not the quietest house. I have tried to use the skills that we have learned, employing active listening, trying to see the situation from their point of view while empathsizing with their situation, as well as looking for alternatives but at this point I am frustrated.
The first factor is that the financial part of helping us to create an apartment for them is not an issue. The second is that she does not leave the house or barely her chair at all so I would be doing her grocery shopping and some of the cooking, my dad enjoys to cook. Third, when my dad travels, we would not have to worry about her being alone. And lastly, I feel that since I have wonderful neighbors that she knows, she may have more incentive to get around which will improve her overall health.
Their point of view is they just do not want to move, it is their home and they are comfortable. I completely understand this and I cannot say that I wouldn't feel the same way if I had to leave mine. My worries are that eventually she will end up in a nursing home because my dad will not be able to take care of her alone. It would be such a shame to see their hard earned income going to pay for some place that I know she would not want to be away from her family. She is full Portuguese and stubborn as they come when it comes to asking for help so I could never imagine her amongst total strangers, but maybe I am just being overprotective because she is my mother. Has anyone ever had a similar situation like this one?
Tracey,
ReplyDeleteIt seems you are in a very tough situation! I can not relate with you but my sister has been in a similiar place with her mother in law. It is difficult to see someone so close to you slowly decrease in their health. I understand how they feel about not wanting to give their independence up. Since it is does not seem that moving them would be the best thing at this time, is it possible that your father could look into having someone come look after your mother when he is away? I know a pretty young woman in her 50's who lives close to me and suffers from Alzheimer's. Her husband works full time so different people from the church come over to check on the lady throughout the day. Just a suggestion. Do you have other siblings who could be of advice in this situation?
Caitlin
Thank you for the suggestion. I have a sister but as in most families we are like night and day about everything. I even asked for her to check on her when she was passing her house on the way to the mall when I could not reach her by phone and she wouldn't stop. I wish it was different but she is not I guess the type to care for others so it will be up to me. Hopefully they will come around to the idea before she does need additional care but she suffers from agoraphobia as well which makes bringing a stranger in impossible. I appreciate your thoughts, I will just keep praying that we can work this out before she needs services such as a nursing home. Thank you for the nice response.
DeleteTracy, your post really resonated with me. My beloved parents are both deceased now, but we lived a very similar experience to the one you are currently dealing with. My heart goes out to you, because this is a situation that can present a tremendous amount of conflict for even the most peaceful family.
ReplyDeleteTen years ago, we made the choice to convert a one-family home into a two-family home. Like you, I could not imagine my parents in a nursing home, especially since my father’s health was failing, much like what your mother is going through. I thought it would be easier to care for them if we all lived under the same roof. So we purchased half of my parents’ large home, and the funds were used to create an apartment for them on the other side of the house. They only had to move next door, but the changes did create many stresses for them and us, until the transition was complete. They lived on one side, and we lived on the other side, with our four active children. In many ways, this was a joy. In others, it was a heartache. Please know that the amount of stress that caring for an elderly parent brings, especially if they become cognitively impaired or otherwise disabled, can be astronomical.
Here’s what happened. Shortly after the construction was complete, my vibrant, young-for-her-age mother was suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer. Our family was devastated. She was gone within three months, during which I cared for her, with help from my aunts and siblings. After her death, my father’s needs skyrocketed. We managed to care for him through a very painful decline until one of his many falls created a brain injury from which he did not recover. Seven years after my mother’s death, my dad joined her, and they were finally together again.
Caring for my parents was truthfully an agonizing experience—but a responsibility which I would never have delegated to a stranger. I am grateful to have carried out this mission with love, but made many mistakes along the way, and hope that my parents have forgiven me. Being a caregiver was the most difficult role I have ever played. Please know that in the future, you may need to be manage changes in your parents’ health that will require a huge amount of care. Right now, your parents do not seem ready to accept co-living as a logical next step. In terms of a compromise, perhaps you can let them know that, when they are ready, you can revisit the issue. Life events have a way of forging our path in a way that we cannot anticipate. It may be that a change in your mother’s health will convince your parents that co-living is the best solution. Either way, it needs to be their decision, as well as yours. You can be respectful and nonjudgmental in your communication about this topic, and give them the time they need to make difficult decisions about this next stage in their lives. I wish you and your family all the best as you navigate one of life’s most difficult challenges. -Susan
I can relate to everything you are saying. My grandmother became ill a few years ago and her dementia just became continually worse to the point of out bursts and not always remembering people. I used to sit with her in the hospital every night until she would fall asleep because panic spells were too much without me there and I would drive down and bring my grandfather dinner every night before heading to the hospital and of course after running a childcare for 11 hours a day and having four children of my own. It was exhausting but I was so thankful I could spend that time with her before she passed. I know it will be a tough road but I could not imagine ever abandoning my mother's health issues when she needs me the most or having strangers care for her. Your story touched me, I am glad you had that time with your parents, I am sure you will always be thankful. Thank you for sharing
DeleteThanks for sharing such a personal post. Taking care of love ones is something that we will all be faced with, but I can relate to your situation as well. My family went through a similar situation with my grandmother. My Grandmother was diagnosed with Dementia and at the time she was staying home. As her disease progressed her need for constant supervision did as well. All of my grandmothers children were taking turns staying there during the week and rotating weekends to care for her. Eventual it started to take a tole on everyone and the symptoms of the diseases was making it harder to care for her. Even though we were receiving help from the county it was still not enough because the only came during the week for a few hours a day. To resolve the conflict all of the children had a family meeting to decide how they would continue to care for her. It came down to a vote of having to put her in a rest home, but there wasn't a day that her kids were not there spending time with her. I remember going with my mother everyday to see. My mom would go and stay all day long everyday. There were even times that she spend the night. I can only imagine how hard it is to make a decision about caring for a loved one because we want what is best for them. I hope everything works out for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteTracy I'm so sorry for your dilemma. You know sometimes its hard to step in and change people even when they are as close as family. I can understand you frustration and concern as any daughter would have for there parents who they love very much:) You know I think maybe in this situation you probably have to give it time. People can really get attached to their homes because a lot of memories are tied there. Compromising is a good idea maybe she can still come back to her home to visit on the weekends or something. Just put everything on the table and see what you come up with- it will all work out:)
ReplyDeleteRachel Hendrix